I Hate Tight Clothes
Things I hate today:
1. I hate it when my clothes fit me before I go out to eat, but afterwards feel as though the buttons are going to fly off of my skirt. Ahhh, that feels better. I just undid the top button and I'm letting it all hang out!
2. I hate being constipated. This contributes to foul smelling ass and #1.
3. I hate coffee breath. Will somebody please grab my coworker some gum, water, mints, etc. Oh, and please don't forget the air freshener because his whole office smells like bad coffee breath. I'm serious.
4. I hate the temperature in my office. Why do men insist on "room temperature" being equal to that of a frozen tundra? Due to the continuous cold, my hands and lips have a blue tint, I can hardly type and my words come out in slow motion.
5. I hate alcohol. It pretends to be my friend while I'm hanging out with it, but then stabs me in the back in the morning. The stabbing effects can last well into the day when alcohol and I have a particularly late night/early morning.
6. I hate food. Most people love it, but it causes me feelings of angst, anxiety and hypertension. I'm always thinking, "did I eat too much?," "am I still hungry?," or "how many calories and grams of fat does that fried chicken have?" I especially hate food when mixed with #5. I end up ramming whatever's in sight and let's just say that's usually not celery sticks.
7. I hate the price of gas.
8. I hate having to fart while I am at work. Farts are not meant to linger in people's asses. They are meant to be released into the wild. Problem is, I don't want them to make a big introduction, if you know what I mean.
9. I hate Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Seriously girls, put the Marlborough Reds down, take your wardrobe back to the Salvation Army and for the love, please stop wearing sunglasses that are as big as your head! In five years, we will look back on the "bug eyed" trend and cringe as we do now with tapered jeans and jorts (jean shorts).
10. I hate little kids. By the time they reach 10 years of age, they are equipped with cell phones, i-pods and video games that kill police and destroy cities, all in the name of entertainment. Go outside and play catch or something!
I am pessimistic by nature, however I will attempt to conjure up things that I love. Ewe...who says that word?
1. I love my husband! Okay, that one was easy.
2. I love, love, love the drive home from work on Fridays. This is one of the few instances in which I'm actually not in a hurry or driving like a complete psycho. Truth be told, I sing along to Lionel Richie. I'm such a rebel.
3. I love the feeling that I have when I get in a good surf session. There's something about the ocean water that makes my skin tingle and I feel somewhat cleansed after bashing my head into the sand, my board or another surfer.
4. I love to run outside. Talk about clarity. It's completely "me" time. There's no television, radio, computer or any other daily distractions. It's just me and they rhythm of my breathing (unless of course, it's 100 degrees outside and my face feels like it's going to melt off).
5. I love my family. I never realized how hard it would be to live so far away. Although, I do have to admit that when there's crisis going on, I'm glad to be a 1,000 miles out of reach.
6. I love my in-laws. Seriously, I'm not trying to suck up here.
7. I love San Diego! Between surfing, professional advancement, seeing a whole different lifestyle and meeting some great friends, I couldn't ask for more
Okay, I'm disgusted and I can go no further. All this goodwill to mankind shit is making me want to shoot somebody. And my skirt is still too tight to button up completely. I hope everyone having a great weekend and tomorrow is Friday (is it here already or what?).
1. I hate it when my clothes fit me before I go out to eat, but afterwards feel as though the buttons are going to fly off of my skirt. Ahhh, that feels better. I just undid the top button and I'm letting it all hang out!
2. I hate being constipated. This contributes to foul smelling ass and #1.
3. I hate coffee breath. Will somebody please grab my coworker some gum, water, mints, etc. Oh, and please don't forget the air freshener because his whole office smells like bad coffee breath. I'm serious.
4. I hate the temperature in my office. Why do men insist on "room temperature" being equal to that of a frozen tundra? Due to the continuous cold, my hands and lips have a blue tint, I can hardly type and my words come out in slow motion.
5. I hate alcohol. It pretends to be my friend while I'm hanging out with it, but then stabs me in the back in the morning. The stabbing effects can last well into the day when alcohol and I have a particularly late night/early morning.
6. I hate food. Most people love it, but it causes me feelings of angst, anxiety and hypertension. I'm always thinking, "did I eat too much?," "am I still hungry?," or "how many calories and grams of fat does that fried chicken have?" I especially hate food when mixed with #5. I end up ramming whatever's in sight and let's just say that's usually not celery sticks.
7. I hate the price of gas.
8. I hate having to fart while I am at work. Farts are not meant to linger in people's asses. They are meant to be released into the wild. Problem is, I don't want them to make a big introduction, if you know what I mean.
9. I hate Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Seriously girls, put the Marlborough Reds down, take your wardrobe back to the Salvation Army and for the love, please stop wearing sunglasses that are as big as your head! In five years, we will look back on the "bug eyed" trend and cringe as we do now with tapered jeans and jorts (jean shorts).
10. I hate little kids. By the time they reach 10 years of age, they are equipped with cell phones, i-pods and video games that kill police and destroy cities, all in the name of entertainment. Go outside and play catch or something!
I am pessimistic by nature, however I will attempt to conjure up things that I love. Ewe...who says that word?
1. I love my husband! Okay, that one was easy.
2. I love, love, love the drive home from work on Fridays. This is one of the few instances in which I'm actually not in a hurry or driving like a complete psycho. Truth be told, I sing along to Lionel Richie. I'm such a rebel.
3. I love the feeling that I have when I get in a good surf session. There's something about the ocean water that makes my skin tingle and I feel somewhat cleansed after bashing my head into the sand, my board or another surfer.
4. I love to run outside. Talk about clarity. It's completely "me" time. There's no television, radio, computer or any other daily distractions. It's just me and they rhythm of my breathing (unless of course, it's 100 degrees outside and my face feels like it's going to melt off).
5. I love my family. I never realized how hard it would be to live so far away. Although, I do have to admit that when there's crisis going on, I'm glad to be a 1,000 miles out of reach.
6. I love my in-laws. Seriously, I'm not trying to suck up here.
7. I love San Diego! Between surfing, professional advancement, seeing a whole different lifestyle and meeting some great friends, I couldn't ask for more
Okay, I'm disgusted and I can go no further. All this goodwill to mankind shit is making me want to shoot somebody. And my skirt is still too tight to button up completely. I hope everyone having a great weekend and tomorrow is Friday (is it here already or what?).
posted by Martha | 2:52 PM
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