Halloween, Thanksgiving AND Christmas...Oh My!
The holiday season is a wonderful time of year...if you live through it.
No wonder people off themselves around this time of year. It's one thing to buy presents for your immediate family, but these days we have "blended" families that include step parents and step siblings. My family falls into this category and the family tally moved from 4 people to 6 people a couple of years ago. And my brother just got married, so there's the 7th, plus all the in-laws (and their wives and kids) and that brings me to a total of 14 people. That's an ass load of presents.
Buying presents for the above mentioned "have to's" forces me into a fit, but then there's the dreaded staff. I have to buy a present for my boss, coworkers and basically everyone in the f-ing building (due to our bank being so small). Okay, maybe I don't have to buy presents for them. It's not like anybody's sticking a pink slip to my head. But if I don't, I run the risk of being the office grinch (a.k.a. cheap asshole). I don't want to be the asshole!
Buying presents isn't the only health hazard of the holidays. Let's talk about eatin' turkey, gravy, frosted sugar cookies (my personal favorite), pies, ice cream, brownies and stuffing. And that only accounts for the food at the holiday dinner! Then there's the office parties, happy hours, holiday gatherings and any other reason a person can find to gorge themselves during this time of the year.
I'm feeling bloated already.
I usually go to these functions with the intentions of getting drunk. That's easy enough. It's just that after I'm wasted, I think I have a free pass for the evening. I start by gliding (because I glide when I'm shit faced) over to the eating area and then strategically choose the "bite" of food that I'm going to consume. After about 30 minutes of "bites" I end up with sticky fingers and caramel, chocolate and frosting all over my face. Basically I look like I just won an eating contest. Then I look down at my stomach and I swear to God that I have to be 5 months pregnant, at least that's what it looks like and finally, I waddle over to a chair and get pissed.
I say to myself, "It's okay, I'll just run 10 miles tomorrow." I feel better now that I've rationalized things. The only problem is, I never go running the next day. In fact, I usually end up ordering pizza and eating like shit.
This year I'm contemplating a couple of different approaches. I'm just going to get so wasted at every party that either a) I pass out early in the evening (that way, not too much damage can be done), b) get so drunk that I vomit (this is the least appealing), or c) chain myself to the heaviest piece of furniture or sturdy fixture that's located the farthest away from the food area (but needs to be within reach of the alcohol).
I think option "c" will work best during Halloween. At least this way I can say I'm in costume, but I haven't figured out what I'm going to do for the Thankgiving and Christmas events. It might have to be a combination of all three option unless I can brainstorm another technique.
Anyhow, I think it's necessary to get wasted tonight and start practicing. My best ideas come to me when I'm drunk anyways (I need to start writing them down because I can never remember them).
No wonder people off themselves around this time of year. It's one thing to buy presents for your immediate family, but these days we have "blended" families that include step parents and step siblings. My family falls into this category and the family tally moved from 4 people to 6 people a couple of years ago. And my brother just got married, so there's the 7th, plus all the in-laws (and their wives and kids) and that brings me to a total of 14 people. That's an ass load of presents.
Buying presents for the above mentioned "have to's" forces me into a fit, but then there's the dreaded staff. I have to buy a present for my boss, coworkers and basically everyone in the f-ing building (due to our bank being so small). Okay, maybe I don't have to buy presents for them. It's not like anybody's sticking a pink slip to my head. But if I don't, I run the risk of being the office grinch (a.k.a. cheap asshole). I don't want to be the asshole!
Buying presents isn't the only health hazard of the holidays. Let's talk about eatin' turkey, gravy, frosted sugar cookies (my personal favorite), pies, ice cream, brownies and stuffing. And that only accounts for the food at the holiday dinner! Then there's the office parties, happy hours, holiday gatherings and any other reason a person can find to gorge themselves during this time of the year.
I'm feeling bloated already.
I usually go to these functions with the intentions of getting drunk. That's easy enough. It's just that after I'm wasted, I think I have a free pass for the evening. I start by gliding (because I glide when I'm shit faced) over to the eating area and then strategically choose the "bite" of food that I'm going to consume. After about 30 minutes of "bites" I end up with sticky fingers and caramel, chocolate and frosting all over my face. Basically I look like I just won an eating contest. Then I look down at my stomach and I swear to God that I have to be 5 months pregnant, at least that's what it looks like and finally, I waddle over to a chair and get pissed.
I say to myself, "It's okay, I'll just run 10 miles tomorrow." I feel better now that I've rationalized things. The only problem is, I never go running the next day. In fact, I usually end up ordering pizza and eating like shit.
This year I'm contemplating a couple of different approaches. I'm just going to get so wasted at every party that either a) I pass out early in the evening (that way, not too much damage can be done), b) get so drunk that I vomit (this is the least appealing), or c) chain myself to the heaviest piece of furniture or sturdy fixture that's located the farthest away from the food area (but needs to be within reach of the alcohol).
I think option "c" will work best during Halloween. At least this way I can say I'm in costume, but I haven't figured out what I'm going to do for the Thankgiving and Christmas events. It might have to be a combination of all three option unless I can brainstorm another technique.
Anyhow, I think it's necessary to get wasted tonight and start practicing. My best ideas come to me when I'm drunk anyways (I need to start writing them down because I can never remember them).
posted by Martha | 2:09 PM
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