Roller Skating and Baking...That's What I'm Talking About
This past weekend, my friend and I decided to make frosted sugar cookies and a brownie graveyard for our peeps in the office. Don't worry, we won't make anyone seriously ill because the cookies were pre-made (just have to cut shapes and throw them in the oven) and the brownies came in a box. Plus, it gave me a reason to drink wine and champagne at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
Now, I haven't baked in at least 10 years, but believe it or not, back in the day I used to make everything from scratch. Anyways, I must be out of practice (or extremely mentally challenged) because I didn't pay enough attention to the directions for the brownies...okay, so I single-handedly managed to burn two pans of brownies. When the brownies were "baking" I could smell that they were getting fried, but every time I stuck that damn toothpick in the middle, it was completely uncooked! I think I was making my friend nervous too...I kept rotating the brownies in an effort to make them cook evenly, but every time I stuck my hand in the oven, I would end up burning myself. Seriously, I am a f-ing retard.
But I didn't have time to worry about the f-ing brownie graveyard. I had sugar cookies to decorate! Thank God, only one out of three pans of sugar cookies got a little cinged, but of course, we still decorated the burnt ones.
The decorations consisted of miniature marshmellows, red hots, pull n' peel Twizzlers, Starburst jelly beans (the best jelly beans EVER made), pretzels, coconut that was dyed with food coloring and a variety of colored frostings. We made some serious f-ed up cookies. Let's just say that there's a black cookie monster floating around and a cookie with gold capped teeth.
Although I do need to give credit where credit is due. Without my friend, alcohol, none of my creative inspirations would have been realized.
But, as usual, that was only the beginning of the day's adventures. After salvaging the brownie graveyard and putting away our sugar cookie creations, my husband, friend and I thought it would be a great idea if we went...
ROLLER SKATING.
Now, only the part of San Diego County that I live in would there be a roller skating rink. You people don't know what red necks are until you've come to my neck of the woods. It's almost as if someone took the most uneducated, backwards family from Kentucky, put them in the town I live in and told them to procreate only with each other. I'm not kidding.
I remember roller skating back in the 5th grade. I don't remember falling and if I did, I swear it didn't hurt at all. It was like the rink was actually padded or something (or it could have been the fact that I was big boned in those days). Plus, I never went roller skating wasted when I was 10.
In the first hour, I fell at least fifteen times. I'm talking completely losing control and falling ass backwards with only your elbows to break the fall. My face must have felt left out because as soon I as got the hang of not falling on my ass; I began to eat copious amounts of shit falling forward. At the time, it didn't hurt at all. I have absolutely no idea why that is...it must have been adrenaline or something.
Finally, I actually started to get the hang of roller skating again...that and the fact that I quit trying to skate backwards or do anything else remotely difficult. I was flying around the rink like a crazed woman. I couldn't stop to talk to anyone because I would break my concentration and fall. I think I was starting to sober up a bit because I now realized that falling was bad.
We all ended the night in a bar where I was proceeded to dance all night long by myself. Only one problem though, this bar was not equipped with a dance floor. I don't think I will be going back there any time soon.
So now it's Monday and I am f-ing sore. I hurt from the hair on my head right down to the hair on my toes. And let's talk about bruises. I have at least five bruises on my ass, one that covers my entire left knee and another that takes up the majority of my forearm. But I love battle wounds and I can't wait to get back on the rink! As long as I have my friend alcohol, I can conquer anything!
Now, I haven't baked in at least 10 years, but believe it or not, back in the day I used to make everything from scratch. Anyways, I must be out of practice (or extremely mentally challenged) because I didn't pay enough attention to the directions for the brownies...okay, so I single-handedly managed to burn two pans of brownies. When the brownies were "baking" I could smell that they were getting fried, but every time I stuck that damn toothpick in the middle, it was completely uncooked! I think I was making my friend nervous too...I kept rotating the brownies in an effort to make them cook evenly, but every time I stuck my hand in the oven, I would end up burning myself. Seriously, I am a f-ing retard.
But I didn't have time to worry about the f-ing brownie graveyard. I had sugar cookies to decorate! Thank God, only one out of three pans of sugar cookies got a little cinged, but of course, we still decorated the burnt ones.
The decorations consisted of miniature marshmellows, red hots, pull n' peel Twizzlers, Starburst jelly beans (the best jelly beans EVER made), pretzels, coconut that was dyed with food coloring and a variety of colored frostings. We made some serious f-ed up cookies. Let's just say that there's a black cookie monster floating around and a cookie with gold capped teeth.
Although I do need to give credit where credit is due. Without my friend, alcohol, none of my creative inspirations would have been realized.
But, as usual, that was only the beginning of the day's adventures. After salvaging the brownie graveyard and putting away our sugar cookie creations, my husband, friend and I thought it would be a great idea if we went...
ROLLER SKATING.
Now, only the part of San Diego County that I live in would there be a roller skating rink. You people don't know what red necks are until you've come to my neck of the woods. It's almost as if someone took the most uneducated, backwards family from Kentucky, put them in the town I live in and told them to procreate only with each other. I'm not kidding.
I remember roller skating back in the 5th grade. I don't remember falling and if I did, I swear it didn't hurt at all. It was like the rink was actually padded or something (or it could have been the fact that I was big boned in those days). Plus, I never went roller skating wasted when I was 10.
In the first hour, I fell at least fifteen times. I'm talking completely losing control and falling ass backwards with only your elbows to break the fall. My face must have felt left out because as soon I as got the hang of not falling on my ass; I began to eat copious amounts of shit falling forward. At the time, it didn't hurt at all. I have absolutely no idea why that is...it must have been adrenaline or something.
Finally, I actually started to get the hang of roller skating again...that and the fact that I quit trying to skate backwards or do anything else remotely difficult. I was flying around the rink like a crazed woman. I couldn't stop to talk to anyone because I would break my concentration and fall. I think I was starting to sober up a bit because I now realized that falling was bad.
We all ended the night in a bar where I was proceeded to dance all night long by myself. Only one problem though, this bar was not equipped with a dance floor. I don't think I will be going back there any time soon.
So now it's Monday and I am f-ing sore. I hurt from the hair on my head right down to the hair on my toes. And let's talk about bruises. I have at least five bruises on my ass, one that covers my entire left knee and another that takes up the majority of my forearm. But I love battle wounds and I can't wait to get back on the rink! As long as I have my friend alcohol, I can conquer anything!
posted by Martha | 7:27 AM
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