Crappin' is Good Shit

I really can't concentrate this morning. Has anyone ever taken such a large crap that you loose all sense of where you are? When the only sensation you feel is that of the vacant area the size of a small country that was just cleared from your bowels?

Just wondering.

I love shitting. This sounds extremely disgusting, but it's true. There's nothing in the world that compares to taking a great crap or popping a big ol' white head. It's the small things in life that make a difference.

But I have a question, why do your pants seem to fit better after taking a shit?

For instance, this morning I noticed I was looking a tad bit bloated and my pants looked like spandex around my ass and gut area (I know...totally hot right?). I felt like I needed some quality time on the porcelain throne, but there's no spare time to waste getting ready in the morning. I'm like a tornado running around trying to get my shit (hee-hee) together so I can ram out the door and drive like a maniac to work.

Anyway, the drive is especially annoying today because my f-ing pants were too f-tight! I was just hoping beyond hope that I would be able to relax enough at work to let the beast inside of me out.

I can't shit on command. I have only two ways in which I take a crap. The first one involves explosive diarrhea. Trying to find a place to crap your pants on the boardwalk of Pacific Beach is nearly impossible. Having to find the nearest public bathroom after you have crapped by someone's dumpster and not being able locate a suitable substitute for toilet paper to wipe with is just plain painful.

The other method of crapping is when my yin and yang are in complete harmony and I allow myself to relax enough to set the turds free. If I'm any bit uncomfortable, nervous or out of my element (pooping in a public restroom, at a person's house that I hardly know, etc.) I can kiss my chances of squirting out any Hershy's kisses goodbye. Even though I know I got some shittin' to do, there's no convincing my ass of this fact.

This morning's crap was really beautiful. I got into the office early and had the opportunity to sit at my desk while my shit fermented. When it was does baking, the oven timer went off and I scrambled to the bathroom to take a GIGANTIC crap. Ahhhhh, thinking back to it makes me smile.

When I rose to button my pants, it felt as though I had pooped out enough to lose a couple of dress sizes. That's when you know that your shit is da bomb.

Will Somebody Please Shoot Me?

Well, maybe not with a bullet, but a good dose of muscle relaxant wouldn't hurt.

These are the reasons why work absolutely sucks my ass:

1. There is not enough work to do to consistently fill in an 8 hour day. I would much rather come in early, work my ass off and leave when I'm finished. I usually don't find much pleasure in staring at the clock like some sort of prison inmate checking off the days (in my case hours) until I'm free...and the shitty thing is my sentence resets the next morning.

2. Poopy people. There are many types of personalities, but the majority of females tend to sway to the talk-behind-someone's-back tactic when they feel they have encountered a professional or personal slight. This tactic is especially prevalent in the work environment. I have to admit that I resort to this kind of behavior on certain occasions, but I don't like the feeling of having to step on glass around certain FEMALES. And this immature form of back stabbing is only characteristic of the female gender. Can we just duke it out and forget about like the men? No wonder we were the ones who got pussies.

3. I don't really like what I do. It's not that I've become the Master Banker, but the profession just doesn't ring my bell. I don't want to a) be behind a computer for the rest of my adult life, b) always be worried about my next sale or making quarterly numbers or c) deal with the aforementioned species of FEMALES.

4. Same old shit, different day. Seriously, I should train a monkey to sit in my chair.

5. Nepotism (not going to embellish at all on this one).

6. Professional protocol. This includes kissing ass, doing hair and makeup on a regular basis, dressing in disgusting clothes, and not using obscene language in front of customers. Blah, blah, blah...

• Kissing Ass - Does this shit every f-ing stop? I genuinely like most people, however I do not feel the need to consistently have my lips attached to someone's bunghole.
• Hair and Makeup - Due to the fact that I do my hair and apply makeup every morning at the butt crack of dawn, I have absolutely zero desire to even think about the dreaded blow dryer and whale lard in my makeup bag on the weekend (when I actually want to look good).
• Disgusting Clothes - I basically have to dress like an 80 year old lady (you should see the outfit I'm sporting today- definitely repulsive) because if I decide to wear something trendy, I'm the office slut, which is of course, according to the majority of the FEMALES at work.
• Obscene Language - This is actually a subset of "kissing ass." Sometimes, I just want to scratch my privates and scream, "It burns and itches!" in the lobby of our bank. But that's just me.

My husband always lectures me on the topic of work by saying, "Martha, that's why it's called 'work' and not 'fun.' I reply by saying, "Yea, well you suck!" My maturity knows no bounds.

But, alas work is not all bad. I actually enjoy my coworkers (for the most part), I am not confined to "cubicle land," and I can use explicit language out of the customers' earshot. Oh yeah, the biggest reason that I can tolerate work is the money. Not that I make an extraneous amount, but mommy likes gettin' paid!

Thirty more days until I start school...I can hardly wait (it will be interesting to see if my disposition changes in the months to come).