Crappin' is Good Shit

I really can't concentrate this morning. Has anyone ever taken such a large crap that you loose all sense of where you are? When the only sensation you feel is that of the vacant area the size of a small country that was just cleared from your bowels?

Just wondering.

I love shitting. This sounds extremely disgusting, but it's true. There's nothing in the world that compares to taking a great crap or popping a big ol' white head. It's the small things in life that make a difference.

But I have a question, why do your pants seem to fit better after taking a shit?

For instance, this morning I noticed I was looking a tad bit bloated and my pants looked like spandex around my ass and gut area (I know...totally hot right?). I felt like I needed some quality time on the porcelain throne, but there's no spare time to waste getting ready in the morning. I'm like a tornado running around trying to get my shit (hee-hee) together so I can ram out the door and drive like a maniac to work.

Anyway, the drive is especially annoying today because my f-ing pants were too f-tight! I was just hoping beyond hope that I would be able to relax enough at work to let the beast inside of me out.

I can't shit on command. I have only two ways in which I take a crap. The first one involves explosive diarrhea. Trying to find a place to crap your pants on the boardwalk of Pacific Beach is nearly impossible. Having to find the nearest public bathroom after you have crapped by someone's dumpster and not being able locate a suitable substitute for toilet paper to wipe with is just plain painful.

The other method of crapping is when my yin and yang are in complete harmony and I allow myself to relax enough to set the turds free. If I'm any bit uncomfortable, nervous or out of my element (pooping in a public restroom, at a person's house that I hardly know, etc.) I can kiss my chances of squirting out any Hershy's kisses goodbye. Even though I know I got some shittin' to do, there's no convincing my ass of this fact.

This morning's crap was really beautiful. I got into the office early and had the opportunity to sit at my desk while my shit fermented. When it was does baking, the oven timer went off and I scrambled to the bathroom to take a GIGANTIC crap. Ahhhhh, thinking back to it makes me smile.

When I rose to button my pants, it felt as though I had pooped out enough to lose a couple of dress sizes. That's when you know that your shit is da bomb.