Happy 4th of July (almost)!
Ahhh... Independence Day is right around the corner. This is a day to give thanks to our forefathers for the trials and tribulations they encountered in order to for people to have the precious freedoms that are so often taken for granted.
Let's get serious people.
The only things I will be doing on the Fourth are keg stands, shots and puking and rallying. I love how Americans unite on the anniversaries of this country's history to eat a shit load of food, drink cases of crappy beer and show up to work the next day hungover complete with bloodshot eyes and trips to the bathroom (because at this point in time, it's probably coming out both ends).
There is apart of me, however, that actually feels the pains of guilt at holidays such as Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Labor Day, independence Day, etc., for not truly appreciating the sacrifices that so many Americans made in the hopes that future generations would be able to enjoy a better standard of living.
Then I drink...and drink some more...puke...and drink more. Amazingly, the above thoughts and "pains of guilt" disappear and are replaced with the following:
1. Shotguning Miller Lites.
2. Jumping in the community pool fully clothed.
3. Proceed to call everyone "pussies" for not joining in on #2.
4. Eating anything that anyone dares me to. This includes floral arrangements, day old suckers on the pavement and generally anything out of a trash can.
5. Shotguning more Miller Lites (this is where the puke and rally technique comes into play).
6. Talking to the neighbors (doesn't sound too bad, but wait):
Neighbor A - The alcoholic, drug abusing dude and his retired stripper girlfriend. Folks, she's worked at the same adult book store/strip joint for 30 plus years and I'm not joking. The dude is a deep-thinker-drinker, you know the one that corners people talking about politics, the administration and world hunger (c'mon you idiot, it's the f-ing Fourth of July!).
Neighbor B - This house is a three bedroom, two bath residence currently occupied by three adults and four kids. This is Santucky (Santee) at it's finest. The "adults" chain smoke, drink more than I do, intermittently scream obscenities at the children and as the day gets older, they get louder. Oh, they apparently feed my dog cigarette butts and beer because that's what his breath smells like after they play with him.
Neighbor C - Grandma and Grandpa Alchoholic. I have never seen any either of these people sober. They have the pleasure of living right next to Neighbor B. Grandma told one of the adults that she was going to kill him with her husband's rifle. She also accused Grandpa of poisoning fruit that he bought her. She wears so much makeup that when she's done walking her dog, her face looks like a melted wax sculpture.
So all I have to do is pick a house, any house to hang out at.
Disclaimer: We actually have one set of normal neighbors. Homeboy's in the military (flying helicopters that drop the soldiers on the ground) and Homegirl's a stay at home mom with their infant girl.
On second thought, maybe this year Donny and I will venture out of our town (the place where each KKK spawn was dropped off at) and head to a more civilized area, but I'm still bringing my Miller Lite damn it.
Let's get serious people.
The only things I will be doing on the Fourth are keg stands, shots and puking and rallying. I love how Americans unite on the anniversaries of this country's history to eat a shit load of food, drink cases of crappy beer and show up to work the next day hungover complete with bloodshot eyes and trips to the bathroom (because at this point in time, it's probably coming out both ends).
There is apart of me, however, that actually feels the pains of guilt at holidays such as Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Labor Day, independence Day, etc., for not truly appreciating the sacrifices that so many Americans made in the hopes that future generations would be able to enjoy a better standard of living.
Then I drink...and drink some more...puke...and drink more. Amazingly, the above thoughts and "pains of guilt" disappear and are replaced with the following:
1. Shotguning Miller Lites.
2. Jumping in the community pool fully clothed.
3. Proceed to call everyone "pussies" for not joining in on #2.
4. Eating anything that anyone dares me to. This includes floral arrangements, day old suckers on the pavement and generally anything out of a trash can.
5. Shotguning more Miller Lites (this is where the puke and rally technique comes into play).
6. Talking to the neighbors (doesn't sound too bad, but wait):
Neighbor A - The alcoholic, drug abusing dude and his retired stripper girlfriend. Folks, she's worked at the same adult book store/strip joint for 30 plus years and I'm not joking. The dude is a deep-thinker-drinker, you know the one that corners people talking about politics, the administration and world hunger (c'mon you idiot, it's the f-ing Fourth of July!).
Neighbor B - This house is a three bedroom, two bath residence currently occupied by three adults and four kids. This is Santucky (Santee) at it's finest. The "adults" chain smoke, drink more than I do, intermittently scream obscenities at the children and as the day gets older, they get louder. Oh, they apparently feed my dog cigarette butts and beer because that's what his breath smells like after they play with him.
Neighbor C - Grandma and Grandpa Alchoholic. I have never seen any either of these people sober. They have the pleasure of living right next to Neighbor B. Grandma told one of the adults that she was going to kill him with her husband's rifle. She also accused Grandpa of poisoning fruit that he bought her. She wears so much makeup that when she's done walking her dog, her face looks like a melted wax sculpture.
So all I have to do is pick a house, any house to hang out at.
Disclaimer: We actually have one set of normal neighbors. Homeboy's in the military (flying helicopters that drop the soldiers on the ground) and Homegirl's a stay at home mom with their infant girl.
On second thought, maybe this year Donny and I will venture out of our town (the place where each KKK spawn was dropped off at) and head to a more civilized area, but I'm still bringing my Miller Lite damn it.
posted by Martha | 8:24 AM
1 Comments:
Dude, glad you are back :) I heard from my husband, that you may be moving?? Seriously? Ever think about Ohio? Just kidding. Yes, the whole baby thing is for real, and I'm a huge whale. Not cool. Pregnancy sucks man, let me tell you. Your body does some fucked up stuff...
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