I Hate Interviews

Seriously, sitting in an interview as a potential candidate for a position is like sitting on the toilet while your bowels decide whether or not to release the mountain of crap inside of you, it's just plain painful.

I think the interviewer knows within the first ten minutes if they think you're suitable for the position. It's like dating, you know right away whether or not you want a second date. Unlike dating however, being in an interview requires extensive ass kissing. Between the obscene amount of smiling, laughing and generally attempting to look interested and genuine, I'm exhausted! Plus, do you know how hard it is for me to act proper for longer than 10 minutes? When I get to my car I usually call my husband and start spouting disgusting, rude and tactless comments. It gives a whole other meaning to the word turrets.

I never listen to anything people say if I'm not interested, especially at work. I just do the whole nod my head and make eye contact, but I'm either wondering what would happen if punched them in the face or what they would do if I took my shoe off and started licking it. Does this mean I'm destined to be like Michael Douglas in the movie, "Falling Down?"

I once went to an interview with a CEO of a bank that lasted 1.5 hours and the A-hole interviewing me didn't let me get a word in edgewise. He was too busy talking about himself including how effective his management style was, how he rose through the ranks to make a bazillion dollars and how big his dick is (I'm sure he thinks Ron Jeremy has nothing on him). At the end of the interview he gave me this book and I actually thought it was a nice gesture, until I got home that evening. Take a random guess about who wrote the forward...you're right, the A-hole! He was obviously just trying to spread his literary genius. Dick head.

Then there's the questions. The f-ing questions.

1. Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?
Rolling around in a pile of money while watching you kiss my ass.

2. What were the five most significant accomplishments in your last position?
There's only one, not getting fired.

3. What do you look for in a job?
To work in an environment that allows me to write my blog during the workday, not be expected to follow through on assignments given and the ability to verbally berate customers who are not behaving in a fashion I deem worthy. Oh, I want to get paid a shit load too.

4. Can you explain your salary history?
Yeah, it's pretty lousy.

5. Do you have any questions for me?
Are you done wasting my time?

It's inevitable that I will have to wade neck deep in this crap if we ever want to hightail out of So-Cal. Thinking about it makes me want to kill someone.