No More Drinkie for Marfie
I'm so retarded.
So, my friend Heather came to visit a couple of weeks ago and the last couple of nights she was in town I got shit faced. I know...huge surprise, right? In particular though, the last night she was in town I was a complete drunk truck. When I awoke on Sunday morning, still groggy and dry mouthed, I rolled over to Donny and said, "I think we should stop drinking until Russo's (his good friend's) wedding." Well, the f-ing wedding is at the end of August.
WHAT DID I DO!?!
This was just the crack in the door, the chink in the armor Donny has been looking for for years! He didn't waste any time saying, "What a great idea."
I have been completely sober for 1.5 weeks. I seriously can't remember the last time I went without one drop of alcohol for this long (sad, but true). I'm always making jokes like, "let's just get wasted" or "I want to drink so much I puke and pass out" as a way to test Donny's conviction to this pact that we made. Maybe it's my less than subtle approach, but he's definitely not budging.
Do you know how hard it is to not have a beer during a hot summer day on the beach? It's like eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no jelly...your mouth gets all dry and thirsty. Or going to happy hour and not ordering a glass of wine (why in the hell would someone go to happy hour otherwise)? Why bother going out at all? My husband says, "just because you're not drinking, Martha, doesn't mean that we can't go out." What f-ing planet is he from? Of course it does!
The worst thing is that we made a "ring swear." It's basically like a pinky swear, but with our left ring fingers (you know, the one the wedding bands are on?). This is serious business too. I mean pinky swearing is important stuff, but ring swearing is like life or death to the old D-man. I can't go back on it.
I do have to admit though that it is pretty f-ing nice not to wake up with a heartbeat in my head...or being completely immobile for an entire weekend (Donny always wants to go be "active" and shit)...or feeling like crap because I ate an entire bag of Cheetos...or slowly remembering fragments of my actions of the previous night...or not remembering anything at all and having my husband relive his embarrassment (hee-hee).
Maybe this not drinking thing is the way to start living my life.
Who am I kidding? How in the hell am I supposed to deal with awkward social situations, a hard work week, a Saturday afternoon or anything other situation I deem drinking worthy? I'll tell you this much, I'm certainly not going to address the circumstances in a mature and responsible fashion.
Actually, shouldn't we be training for the wedding in all reality? Getting together with college buddies is a hazard in itself, but not being in tip top drinking shape is just plain dangerous. Maybe I'll start using that angle...
So, my friend Heather came to visit a couple of weeks ago and the last couple of nights she was in town I got shit faced. I know...huge surprise, right? In particular though, the last night she was in town I was a complete drunk truck. When I awoke on Sunday morning, still groggy and dry mouthed, I rolled over to Donny and said, "I think we should stop drinking until Russo's (his good friend's) wedding." Well, the f-ing wedding is at the end of August.
WHAT DID I DO!?!
This was just the crack in the door, the chink in the armor Donny has been looking for for years! He didn't waste any time saying, "What a great idea."
I have been completely sober for 1.5 weeks. I seriously can't remember the last time I went without one drop of alcohol for this long (sad, but true). I'm always making jokes like, "let's just get wasted" or "I want to drink so much I puke and pass out" as a way to test Donny's conviction to this pact that we made. Maybe it's my less than subtle approach, but he's definitely not budging.
Do you know how hard it is to not have a beer during a hot summer day on the beach? It's like eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no jelly...your mouth gets all dry and thirsty. Or going to happy hour and not ordering a glass of wine (why in the hell would someone go to happy hour otherwise)? Why bother going out at all? My husband says, "just because you're not drinking, Martha, doesn't mean that we can't go out." What f-ing planet is he from? Of course it does!
The worst thing is that we made a "ring swear." It's basically like a pinky swear, but with our left ring fingers (you know, the one the wedding bands are on?). This is serious business too. I mean pinky swearing is important stuff, but ring swearing is like life or death to the old D-man. I can't go back on it.
I do have to admit though that it is pretty f-ing nice not to wake up with a heartbeat in my head...or being completely immobile for an entire weekend (Donny always wants to go be "active" and shit)...or feeling like crap because I ate an entire bag of Cheetos...or slowly remembering fragments of my actions of the previous night...or not remembering anything at all and having my husband relive his embarrassment (hee-hee).
Maybe this not drinking thing is the way to start living my life.
Who am I kidding? How in the hell am I supposed to deal with awkward social situations, a hard work week, a Saturday afternoon or anything other situation I deem drinking worthy? I'll tell you this much, I'm certainly not going to address the circumstances in a mature and responsible fashion.
Actually, shouldn't we be training for the wedding in all reality? Getting together with college buddies is a hazard in itself, but not being in tip top drinking shape is just plain dangerous. Maybe I'll start using that angle...
posted by Martha | 9:08 AM
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4 comments
